And it's a long night again...the need of much sleep is over and there is need to write.
Events are passing quickly over me... more questions need answers; and I feel like a child asking "why".
Everytime we experience something bad and painful it's time to wonder about the sense of life. The worst thing is not to find a sense.
I wonder why the things are changed that much in this world. We want something, we wish it with our heart and for useless reasons we manage to lose it. To make mistakes…and for more useless or stupid reasons we don’t even try to correct them.
I never opened myself in this blog because I always thought noone in the world would have never had the right to know what is really inside me. Things are gonna change once. With the only will to bring peace and – guess what – love =)
I write in english, because I want to make sure that who I truly love will fully understand. So, italians accattatevi un dizionario! (buy a dictionary). And you…yes, you! Its time to talk seriously without hurt anyone of us.
I’m not gonna doubt again about what he feels for me. Not this time. And I will try not to make hypothesis about things I can’t know.
The facts are the following: hunny and sweety have been together 1 year long and at the same time separated for the most. A long year full of fears and doubts about the future but the best year of hunny’s life. She can say she learned much about love herself and to love others. And for the most she can just say thanks to him.
The bad side was to see each other just throught a webcam for the most, counting the days left to meet each other again. And still, hunny had her sweety any day with her, for almost all the time, like living virtually together. All this could sound weird for some of you reading, and some of you would say “that’s not a relationship”. Well, this can’t be a relationship if you don’t plan a kind of future together as soon as you both can. And there are also some matters, like trusting each other which I won’t mention, because this wasn’t one of their problems at all.
So, the first problem…to be together. Both of them were and are busy with finishing school, sweety more than her since there, is mandatory to be always (or for the most) present. Then…
-“when we will finish this?”
-“Lets say around September 2009”.
Wellll, they started this in October 2007…so…fuck! All that time?
Yes, all that time. And it was right to finish what they started because its meant for their future.
So, no doubt about it, they would have waited, unless hunny would have found a way to finish the damn University in Germany…
And as all of you can guess, hunny didn’t get any chance to do it.
Wellllll, shit!
-“But don’t worry, we will find a way, I’m sure about this, sweety”.
Errr sweety wasn’t that sure… at least not lately.
When you start a relationship like this, you should make urself conscious of what will also bring, that is called pain. A big damn awesome pain. You are together whole day, right. Because you can’t avoid it, because you think it’s the only way to be near to who you love. And unfortunately it is, when you are separated.
Personally I think, it was too much. When you start a normal relationship you don’t start suddenly living together any day of your life. But when you are far from eachother, the only thing you can think it’s that you miss your love, also getting a bit stupid thinking that having it on your messenger will heal your pain.
And then the big brother starts…
-“Sweety, I’m warming the food, check it please. I go to laundry for a while”.
Are you stupid or what?
Eheheheheh…this is exaggerating, I’m just kidding , but it’s what she did more than once =)
Honestly, even tho she got an equilibrium in those months, hunny is still doing this. But we all know that she is not that normal, don’t we? =)
For example, this was possible until she was in Sweden. Because living alone, being alone and who has been there feeling like she did, can of course understand all the reasons.
Then your flat is not that big, and any move you make can be seen for a webcam. So you eat in front of our laptop, you study in front of your laptop, you watch some tv but still with your laptop, you go sleep and bring your laptop for the last “ciao”, and yes you can also take a shower with your laptop!
In Italy things are different, first you are not alone, so you don’t miss desperately to talk with someone. And then we have some good rules, like eating together and such. And of course your dad won’t ever react in a polite way if he sees his daughter bringing her laptop taking a shower….ehehehehehe, just kidding….ahem
Then hunny came back home in June, and some matters didn’t allow her to go to Germany immediately…so it was already 3 months without see each other. Then 3 wonderful weeks together…then again some damn matters (hospital also..) and they met again in October, finally. Oh and right, with his great knowledge of italian’s bullshits:
-“oh hunny senti…”
-“si..”
-“Auguri!”
Eheheh, 1 year together and some plans of hunny for a Phd in Germany =)
She came back home, and after 2 weeks what noone ever solved came up. Confusion. And pain…
When you get used to the distance, lets say after some days you don’t see your love in person, you experience a weird feeling. You realize that you shouldn’t stay whole day in front your webcam, but still you miss him/her…and then it’s like to have a friend for all the time you are separated and then suddenly a boy/girl friend for a while. Then some days of pain without your love, and again you get used.
You get used…mmm, well, you miss your love like hell, you need to find an equilibrium for yourself, because except hunny or sweety you still also have a life.
I think hunny stopped being paranoid missing him after Christmas, getting kind of equilibrium: of course she was missing him but planning some future and being sure that in the end they would have finally managed to be together, she was hopeful and trustful. Unfortunately, the feeling of being friend with him wasn’t avoidable for her too sometimes.
Sweety was the same. Happy to know she would have probably moved there, but also shocked. Confused about his feelings, about if it was right to make her leave all for him later, lets say a real confusional state about almost all: he took a break from her, as she suggested, in order to think and to solve their or his problems.
As you all guess, they didn’t reach the end of the break…he left her earlier.
He never got his equilibrium. He was scared to lose her, and the pain he experienced missing her was too bad. What else to do than avoid to think? Well, lots of other things, but it’s too late to judge it.
They have always been friends, good friends. So he ask for this now, to be together as special friends can do. And they will be together for the next holidays…soon.
The end of something beautiful. Something she feared for months, but not able to do something against this. To make mistakes…yes.
Well, sad story, but my life. I lost the person who made me happy, who truly loved me. I didn’t almost fight for this, or if I did, it wasn’t enough or it was useless.
I want to tell you that you were right having doubts about make me move in Germany. I think we had to be sure to “leave all” for us; both. Not just me and not just you.
I think we made lots of mistakes that brought us in this situation. Not just you, both. And I hope to be able to understand these mistakes. Because you don’t have explaination about why you feel like this. What exactly brought you in this state, noone will ever know except you.
And I think you were sick to get up and to go sleep with the same thought, trying to get ride of the bad side of our relationship. “Sick” isn’t meat bad, I know it’s painful. But in this way you gave up.
And here I would like to say that I also know the main reason of this reaction…but this is not the right place to talk about your business. And I don’t want to hurt you. This long blabla hasn’t this meaning at all.
I have been awake the whole night, writing and thinking, and also smiling thinking of our past. I hope to make you smile too.
When you left me all my world got crushed. And I got paranoid. The recurrent thought was “omg, I won’t see you anymore….I won’t touch you anymore”. And I became oppressive… I’m sorry for all this. I’m truly sorry. And the thought of being friend…well, this also destroyed me.
I don’t say that I feel better. And I would be a liar saying that I’m not suffering.
The hopes are making me live. And knowing that I will see you soon makes me happy.
To make mistakes…it’s unfortunately typical for the mankind. But if we don’t learn anything from those, we won’t ever grow up.
Anyone of us should give another chance to who we love. Or simply another chance to ourselves to prove that we are still able to love. Some more time didn’t kill anyone generally talking.
Take out of you the love you still feel, reading this “poem”…and please leave your bad side sleeping (or kill it? :P)
If you can’t do this, if you didn’t even smile reading my lines, if you just say “auff”, then you are not who I met. And I would, sadly, say that all this effort isn’t worth.
Don’t tell me anything right now. And don’t change your mood because of this.
We can still dream together…
I loved you any day.
Hunny
Events are passing quickly over me... more questions need answers; and I feel like a child asking "why".
Everytime we experience something bad and painful it's time to wonder about the sense of life. The worst thing is not to find a sense.
I wonder why the things are changed that much in this world. We want something, we wish it with our heart and for useless reasons we manage to lose it. To make mistakes…and for more useless or stupid reasons we don’t even try to correct them.
I never opened myself in this blog because I always thought noone in the world would have never had the right to know what is really inside me. Things are gonna change once. With the only will to bring peace and – guess what – love =)
I write in english, because I want to make sure that who I truly love will fully understand. So, italians accattatevi un dizionario! (buy a dictionary). And you…yes, you! Its time to talk seriously without hurt anyone of us.
I’m not gonna doubt again about what he feels for me. Not this time. And I will try not to make hypothesis about things I can’t know.
The facts are the following: hunny and sweety have been together 1 year long and at the same time separated for the most. A long year full of fears and doubts about the future but the best year of hunny’s life. She can say she learned much about love herself and to love others. And for the most she can just say thanks to him.
The bad side was to see each other just throught a webcam for the most, counting the days left to meet each other again. And still, hunny had her sweety any day with her, for almost all the time, like living virtually together. All this could sound weird for some of you reading, and some of you would say “that’s not a relationship”. Well, this can’t be a relationship if you don’t plan a kind of future together as soon as you both can. And there are also some matters, like trusting each other which I won’t mention, because this wasn’t one of their problems at all.
So, the first problem…to be together. Both of them were and are busy with finishing school, sweety more than her since there, is mandatory to be always (or for the most) present. Then…
-“when we will finish this?”
-“Lets say around September 2009”.
Wellll, they started this in October 2007…so…fuck! All that time?
Yes, all that time. And it was right to finish what they started because its meant for their future.
So, no doubt about it, they would have waited, unless hunny would have found a way to finish the damn University in Germany…
And as all of you can guess, hunny didn’t get any chance to do it.
Wellllll, shit!
-“But don’t worry, we will find a way, I’m sure about this, sweety”.
Errr sweety wasn’t that sure… at least not lately.
When you start a relationship like this, you should make urself conscious of what will also bring, that is called pain. A big damn awesome pain. You are together whole day, right. Because you can’t avoid it, because you think it’s the only way to be near to who you love. And unfortunately it is, when you are separated.
Personally I think, it was too much. When you start a normal relationship you don’t start suddenly living together any day of your life. But when you are far from eachother, the only thing you can think it’s that you miss your love, also getting a bit stupid thinking that having it on your messenger will heal your pain.
And then the big brother starts…
-“Sweety, I’m warming the food, check it please. I go to laundry for a while”.
Are you stupid or what?
Eheheheheh…this is exaggerating, I’m just kidding , but it’s what she did more than once =)
Honestly, even tho she got an equilibrium in those months, hunny is still doing this. But we all know that she is not that normal, don’t we? =)
For example, this was possible until she was in Sweden. Because living alone, being alone and who has been there feeling like she did, can of course understand all the reasons.
Then your flat is not that big, and any move you make can be seen for a webcam. So you eat in front of our laptop, you study in front of your laptop, you watch some tv but still with your laptop, you go sleep and bring your laptop for the last “ciao”, and yes you can also take a shower with your laptop!
In Italy things are different, first you are not alone, so you don’t miss desperately to talk with someone. And then we have some good rules, like eating together and such. And of course your dad won’t ever react in a polite way if he sees his daughter bringing her laptop taking a shower….ehehehehehe, just kidding….ahem
Then hunny came back home in June, and some matters didn’t allow her to go to Germany immediately…so it was already 3 months without see each other. Then 3 wonderful weeks together…then again some damn matters (hospital also..) and they met again in October, finally. Oh and right, with his great knowledge of italian’s bullshits:
-“oh hunny senti…”
-“si..”
-“Auguri!”
Eheheh, 1 year together and some plans of hunny for a Phd in Germany =)
She came back home, and after 2 weeks what noone ever solved came up. Confusion. And pain…
When you get used to the distance, lets say after some days you don’t see your love in person, you experience a weird feeling. You realize that you shouldn’t stay whole day in front your webcam, but still you miss him/her…and then it’s like to have a friend for all the time you are separated and then suddenly a boy/girl friend for a while. Then some days of pain without your love, and again you get used.
You get used…mmm, well, you miss your love like hell, you need to find an equilibrium for yourself, because except hunny or sweety you still also have a life.
I think hunny stopped being paranoid missing him after Christmas, getting kind of equilibrium: of course she was missing him but planning some future and being sure that in the end they would have finally managed to be together, she was hopeful and trustful. Unfortunately, the feeling of being friend with him wasn’t avoidable for her too sometimes.
Sweety was the same. Happy to know she would have probably moved there, but also shocked. Confused about his feelings, about if it was right to make her leave all for him later, lets say a real confusional state about almost all: he took a break from her, as she suggested, in order to think and to solve their or his problems.
As you all guess, they didn’t reach the end of the break…he left her earlier.
He never got his equilibrium. He was scared to lose her, and the pain he experienced missing her was too bad. What else to do than avoid to think? Well, lots of other things, but it’s too late to judge it.
They have always been friends, good friends. So he ask for this now, to be together as special friends can do. And they will be together for the next holidays…soon.
The end of something beautiful. Something she feared for months, but not able to do something against this. To make mistakes…yes.
Well, sad story, but my life. I lost the person who made me happy, who truly loved me. I didn’t almost fight for this, or if I did, it wasn’t enough or it was useless.
I want to tell you that you were right having doubts about make me move in Germany. I think we had to be sure to “leave all” for us; both. Not just me and not just you.
I think we made lots of mistakes that brought us in this situation. Not just you, both. And I hope to be able to understand these mistakes. Because you don’t have explaination about why you feel like this. What exactly brought you in this state, noone will ever know except you.
And I think you were sick to get up and to go sleep with the same thought, trying to get ride of the bad side of our relationship. “Sick” isn’t meat bad, I know it’s painful. But in this way you gave up.
And here I would like to say that I also know the main reason of this reaction…but this is not the right place to talk about your business. And I don’t want to hurt you. This long blabla hasn’t this meaning at all.
I have been awake the whole night, writing and thinking, and also smiling thinking of our past. I hope to make you smile too.
When you left me all my world got crushed. And I got paranoid. The recurrent thought was “omg, I won’t see you anymore….I won’t touch you anymore”. And I became oppressive… I’m sorry for all this. I’m truly sorry. And the thought of being friend…well, this also destroyed me.
I don’t say that I feel better. And I would be a liar saying that I’m not suffering.
The hopes are making me live. And knowing that I will see you soon makes me happy.
To make mistakes…it’s unfortunately typical for the mankind. But if we don’t learn anything from those, we won’t ever grow up.
Anyone of us should give another chance to who we love. Or simply another chance to ourselves to prove that we are still able to love. Some more time didn’t kill anyone generally talking.
Take out of you the love you still feel, reading this “poem”…and please leave your bad side sleeping (or kill it? :P)
If you can’t do this, if you didn’t even smile reading my lines, if you just say “auff”, then you are not who I met. And I would, sadly, say that all this effort isn’t worth.
Don’t tell me anything right now. And don’t change your mood because of this.
We can still dream together…
I loved you any day.
Hunny
